This Feeling
by LookForTheTruth
Summary: Izaya never thought those words would hurt him but, oh boy, they did. Picture is not owned by me but off of Google. Romance/Hurt-Comfort/Angst/Drama/Rated T/OOC/AU(ish?)/Eventual Shizaya. FIRST FANFIC EVER! :D
1. Suicide Attempt

**A/N: First. Fanfiction. Ever. Ever! I'm so nervous to be honest. D:  
Let me introduce myself. My name's Truth and I always wanted to write a fanfiction of Durarara (specifically Shizaya) after reading a bunch (and I mean a bunch) of other stories so I wrote this but never actually had the courage to publish this on here. Thanks to my mom and uncle they encouraged me to put it online so thank them(:  
Now go on and read! :D**

* * *

I hate you.

Normally I would laugh at that and make some joke or insult but that actually hurt me. The way he looked at me with such hatred and disgust, the way he clenched his fist, the way his gaze was so steady and guarded.

It hurt. It did.

I never in my entire 16 years thought that that brute could actually hurt me. I always kept my face masked, showing only fake happiness with my fake smiles and fake laughs. I never let anger show and kept my temper to myself. If I was really pissed off, I'd make up some excuse to leave and walked away with another one of those fake smiles.

But now, I let any mask I had on, fall. I threw my phone at the wall, following my lamp and kicked over my chair. I punched the mirror, ignoring the blood running from my knuckles.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt happiness. It showed I actually had feelings and emotions and wasn't some worthless, trivial thing. Pain was my salvation. Call me a freak, lunatic, or hell even a masochist. I know. I know I'm a major masochist but it's my only way to actually _feel_ anything at all.

I screamed alone in my room, grateful that no one was in the house at the moment. My mother and father were at work and my twin sisters, Mairu and Kururi, were at school and wouldn't come back for hours. Fresh tears threatened out of the corner of my eyes and I let them fall.

They were tears of fury.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of hurt.

Tears of happiness.

They were another sign that told me I could feel.

I fall to my knees and clutch my head tightly, gripping my hair, and crying loudly for the first time in a months.

_Maybe if you weren't such a failure, you would actually be happy. But no, you have to be a bother to everybody around you. Then you wonder why people hate you. Pathetic. _My conscience taunted me.

But, would it be better if I just left this world? Would people finally be happy? Will I? Would people actually appreciate what I did and notice it for once? Would anyone care if I left? Or would they just live on like nothing happened? They probably wouldn't care and might even dance on my grave once they found out I was dead. But if that will make them happy...

I grab a notebook and pen. Then I start writing my suicide letters. First to my mother and father.

Dear Mother and Father,  
I'm sorry I'm doing this. None of it was your fault but I can't stand living like this anymore. It hurts too much to keep living. I know you might be upset at this but don't. It's my decision. It's what I wanted. I love you all and I'm sorry I wasn't a better son.  
Sincerely,  
Izaya

The second for my twin sisters.

Dear Mairu and Kururi,  
I'm sorry you have a big brother like me. I tried, I did. I tried to become a role model for you and instead just failed you. I failed you both. I hope you can forgive me. Forgive what I'm about to do and what I have done. I love you both and be good for mom and dad.  
Love you,  
Izaya

The third to Shinra.

Dear Shinra,  
I'm sorry I never could be a good friend towards you. I'm sorry I got in the way of things and never could have been considered as a 'true friend.' Can you do me one huge favor? Can you succeed your dreams of becoming a doctor and look after my family? It would mean a lot. I'm sorry I could never tell you how I truly felt.  
A horrible friend,  
Izaya

The fourth and last one to Shizuo.

Dear Shizuo,  
I was gonna write Shizu-chan but I would be more of a vexatious, huh? I'm going to say to you what I said to everyone else; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a 'nice person' or was even considered a friend. I'm sorry I bothered you for so long and messed with you ever since we met. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person and can't even tell you how much I regret everything that I've done. But I do. I truly do. Please look after Shinra for me. And since I'm going to die, I'll guess I'll tell you one of my biggest secrets. Here it goes...I love you. It's true. I do. I always had since we met but never could tell you because you would hate me even more. I'm sorry again for all I've done.  
Yours truly,  
Izaya

Then I left around other pieces of paper to no one in particular. Or maybe it's for everyone. But I write. They are my last message after all.

I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible son/brother/friend/person.

I'm sorry I'm a failure.

I'm sorry that I'm trivial.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is what I wanted. I wanted people to finally be happy.

I want people to live on with no troubles.

I want to find true happiness for once.

I want everyone to appreciate something that I've done.

I want everyone, _everyone, _to move on. Please. That's what I want.

I love you all and once again, I'm sorry.

Finally finishing the last note, I look at all my work and making sure I wrote down everything that I wanted. I cried, I did, when I wrote these letters. The emotion I felt, the heavy feeling in my chest, the headache from all my crying. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. So I'm going to grant everyone's wish; my death.

I grab my switch blade and slash it across my wrist. I should feel pain, but instead I feel happy. I'm happy because everyone's wish will come true and it proves to me that I'm actually not so worthless after all. Blood pours out of the wounds and I make more cuts. All around my wrists until it's nearly completely in red from my wrist down and move on to the other arm to do the same. I start feeling dizzy and smile because it's working.

I lay on my bed, blood soaking through the mattress. I stretch my arms out, one of them hanging off the bed, dripping blood onto the floor, and the other continuously bleeding. My vision becomes hazy, my breathing slowing down, and my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. I close my eyes when I hear screaming and pounding coming from the door and my last thoughts were _I'm sorry_ when I heard the door slam open.

* * *

**A/N: Sooooo what did you think?(:  
I have up to Chapter 6 done. I know, I'm badass, what can I say?  
****Please review so I know that I can continue to update on this and know that at least someone is reading this and doesn't think it's a piece of shit. Thanks! :D**


	2. Dead And In Hell

**A/N: Warning: The following content is full of the author's love for her awesome reviewers. Thank you. AHHHHHHHH! OMG! MY EMAIL WAS FULL OF FAVS, FOLLOWS, AND REVIEWS! NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN HOW AWESOME YOU ALL ARE AND JUST THANK YOU SO MUCH! I WAS REALLY DOUBTING MYSELF WITH THIS AND THOUGHT PEOPLE WEREN'T GOING TO LIKE IT AND FLAME BUT PEOPLE DID! ^.^ I HAD TO UPDATE IMMEDIATELY FOR YOU ALL! c; ****THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH AND PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING, THEY MAKE ME HAPPY AND MAKE ME UPDATE FASTER!**** Okay, okay, enough with my rabbling and read. Longer chapter just for you all! :D**

**THIS STORY IS PRETTY OOC (obviously!) (Sorry.)**

**Disclaimer (since I forgot to put this last chapter): I don't own Durarara. *sobs***

* * *

I hear people crying. But I'm not sure who.

I hear people sniffling and blowing their noses.

I hear pats being given and hear people trying to comfort others.

I hear monitors beeping and can hear the sound of shoes screeching as they get farther away from me.

I can hear but I can't see. All I see is pitch black darkness.

Is this death? Am I finally dead? Did it work?

I heard before people say hell is a sad place, am I in hell? I wouldn't mind, it's kind of peaceful here except for all the crying and other noises. I'm alone and granted everyone's wish and if I have to suffer in hell for it, then so be it. I'll do it to make other's happy even if I'm not. It's called sacrificing, right?

* * *

Beep. Beep. Beep.

That's all I'm hearing and goddamn it is annoying. I want to shut the damn thing off but can't.

I try to open my eyes but can't. They feel like a hundred pounds on each eyelid.

I try to move my finger but can't. They feel strapped down.

I try to do something other than breathing but can't. It feels like my body shut down.

I always tried but never succeeded and failed. Guess I'm still a failure even after my death, huh?

* * *

I made myself a little game. It's quite easy really.

Every time I hear a noise come from 'outside', as I named it, I count to see how long each noise is from the next. Then when all the noises end all together, I add all the seconds of the noises together.

It's a nice math game and it keeps me busy for a long time.

I like it because even if I'm dead, I'm not stupid. And I prove that to myself. It's a shame to be honest on how I work. I have to have proof before I can really believe it.

Hence why I am/was an atheist. I needed proof that there was some 'God' out there that everyone worshiped with their life. If their was proof, then I would believe in Him. No proof? Ha. Like I'm going to believe in Him.

But it's interesting to see how humans believe in different things. Like Hinduism to Islam or Buddhism to Christianity. Each one is interesting to see how people do their ritual and what they believe in. They gave me proof that they believe in their religion by their faith. That, I can respect.

One of my dreams growing up, and dying, as a teenager was to study anthropology. Gosh, sometimes being dead sucked because I can't continue what I did when I was alive in this 'afterlife.'

I tried to move my fingers again. No success.

I tried to open my eyes. Nothing.

I tried to do something but just breath. Nope.

I never knew being dead was so boring!

Gosh, if I knew it was gonna be like this, I would have brought a book!

* * *

I've 'sat' here for a while thinking about my life.

I guess I became distant and cold from my parents when my sisters were born. They always took care of them and didn't acknowledge me most times. I would have to feed myself and even taught myself how do my homework. No wonder I was top on my class. They never came to open houses for my class so I would lie to my teacher and always tell them that they were busy and couldn't come, when in reality; they couldn't care less.

I never got close to anyone and I guess that's because all the kids thought I was weird. I never liked what they did and was picked on because so. They called me 'boring', 'freak', 'queer', 'loser', and 'lame.' Thinking back, they were right.

I always enjoyed doing advanced things that made me think and challenge myself while they just colored outside the lines. I liked reading history and classics novels, thinking of a whole new world outside of my worthless one.

I loved daydreaming the most though. During nap times, I would never go to sleep but just stay awake and dream of other places. At home I would rush through my homework, not worrying for any errors since I knew they right, and stared out my window to daydream.

Then I made my first friend in middle school. Shinra. He was goofy and fun to hang out with and I actually enjoyed spending my time with him.

He was always there when I needed him the most especially my tough time during 8th grade when my parents were thinking of getting a divorce.

He let me stay over his house most of the time and when we saw his dad working in a lab, his eyes would light up and he would tell me his dream of becoming a doctor. I encouraged him as much as I could, trying to be a good friend since he was my first.

Then I entered high school and met Shizuo.

The first time I saw him, he lost his temper and attacked. I watched, completely in awe and interest, as he beat any student up.

It made me realize that I wasn't the only one with troubles and I fell in love with him at first sight.

If only he felt the same way. Quite the opposite really. I gave him one of my regular smirks and he clenched his fists, growling "You piss me off."

At first, I was shocked since I thought I would make a new and second friend. But I didn't let my mask fall since I knew how to wear it then strongly.

Instead I just fought him for fun.

It was fun for the start but then my feelings for him became stronger and when he insulted me, it felt like a stab in my heart.

I told Shinra how I felt about him and he was shocked at first but then encouraged me. We both pushed each other, me pushing him to getting his dream as a doctor and him pushing me to confess my feelings.

It hurts thinking about it now.

It hurts because even though I'm dead, Shizuo's feelings will never change.

It hurts because I'm dead and my feelings will never be accepted.

It hurts because even though I'm dead, I still can't get over him.

It hurts because even though I'm dead, I'm still pathetic.

* * *

I played my game again. Then got a little tired of it so I made a new one.

Each step they took, I would listen to see about how far they walked. Then I guessed about how tall they were, how they looked, what their gender was, and what kind of life they might have.

Obviously since I still couldn't 'see' them, it was difficult but that was the point of the game!

I love play games, especially board games. I love playing chess, go, and shogi the most! I put all the pieces from each game onto a go board and the challenge makes my blood rush! The adrenaline is fantastic.

I love the twisted game and would move the pieces when I get closer to succeeding. Succeeding what? I don't know. But if I lose, I take a piece off, letting my opponent win.

Quaint, but rules were rules. I had to follow them and come up with another plan. That's when everything gets exciting and the games really begin.

* * *

I succeeded for once since I became dead! I did! That's one mental move for me!

I got to finally twitch my fingers!

At first my arms and hands felt numb then I tried hard to move them and they twitched! I can feel them now and then I got to move my arm completely! It felt like I was alive again!

Maybe my eyes will open up and then I can see what hell looks like!

I don't think I've ever felt this excited for a long time.

I think the last time I was excited was when I was 5 and it was my birthday. Mom and dad promised to let me do whatever I wanted so I chose the amusement park. I got to ride all the kiddy rides, eat cotton candy, and go to different booths to try and win a prize.

On the way home, I was sleepy and dozed off, cuddling all ten stuffed animals close to me. Mom took a picture and showed it to me the next day.

I remember I blushed and pouted at mom but she just laughed and gave me a peck on the cheek. It was one of the rare times mom showed affection to me. I missed her when she stopped and forgot about me.

I didn't hate my sisters or anything, sure they got annoying at times but don't all younger siblings annoy their older siblings? I guess I was a little envious at the love they got every now and then.

Twitch.

What was that?

Twitch.

Was that my eyes?

Twitch.

It was! My eyes are twitching open!

Maybe now I can finally see what hell looks like!

* * *

**A/N: I left another cliffy just for you all ;D**

**BUT NOW I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOME THINGS KINDA IMPORTANT!**

**1) IF I PUT ONE-SHOTS UP, WOULD YOU READ THEM? I HAVE 2 DONE (one's Shizaya, the other is just a freaked out Izaya, you'll see.) LET ME KNOW!**

**2) IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR THIS STORY, DO. NOT. HESITATE. TO. SUGGEST. SERIOUSLY! I WANT TO HEAR ALL YOUR LOVELY IDEAS!**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE POSITIVE REVIEWS AND YOU ALL GET A FREE COOKIE WITH A HUG (even though I don't really like hugs) FOR BEING SO AWESOME! =^.^=**

**See you all in the next chapter!~**


	3. Going Crazy

**A/N: 20 reviews so far! Can we make it to 25 or possibly 30? :D**  
**I have a one-shot up! (Since people wanted to read them.) It's called ****_'What The Hell Have I Become'_**  
**If you can read my Author's Note in the bottom, it talks about my updating schedule, that would be great! **  
**Disclaimer: I WISH I DID OWN DURARARA CAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE ALL SHIZAYA. **

* * *

I was in hell alright.

I was in a hospital, _alive_.

_Alive_!

Do you know what that means?! I failed! I failed everyone without even knowing! That just shows how pathetic I am!

I just woke up and saw the bright florescent lights shine upward on the_ hospital_ ceiling. At first I was confused because I thought hell was suppose to be dark and scary but then I heard the 'beep, beep, beep' I heard when I was 'dead' and saw it was just my heart monitor. And it distinctly told me I was alive.

I sat up on the uncomfortable bed and pulled my knees up to chin. I brought my hands up to my face and cried silently. I did cry. I may be just 16 and a male but I cried. Hard. Luckily no one was here to see or hear me so I cried for as long as I wanted without being disturbed.

Then I heard yelling. I was confused considering I thought I was only but then realized it came from the hallways outside. I shakily got up from the uncomfortable bed and shuffled barefoot (only falling twice) towards the door. I heard two people arguing, somewhat close but distant. I pressed my ear to hear what they were saying. It sounded like an older man and... my mother.

"What do you mean I can't see him?! He's my son!"

"M'am I know he's your son and you care about him deeply-"

"Then let me see him!"

_I need to get out of here, I'm just causing problems for everyone. That's the only thing I'm good at, isn't it?_

I put my hand on the handle, hesitating if I should open it or not. What would mom do? Would she yell at me? Cry? Get angry and demand I leave for what I did?

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding, and open the door wide open. I turn my head to look down the hallway, first seeing mom down the corridor, yelling at an elderly doctor. She stops and sees me awake and runs towards me but I step back slowly then turn to sprint down the crowded hallway.

Why am I running? Because I'm scared.

I'm scared of mom seeing me.

I'm scared of anyone seeing how broken I am.

I'm scared to show others how fragile I really am.

I'm scared at people looking at me in such a state.

I'm scared of living.

Doctors grabbed my arms and haul me up even as I thrash, kicking and screaming at them to let me go. They tug tightly on my arm making me whimper, hot tears streaming down my face. Visitors and patients give me looks; some with pity, others with sadness, and others in disbelief.

"LET ME GO!" I scream and kick one of the doctors in the shin. He drops onto his knees in pain and grunts, and I try to make a run for it.

Unfortunately the other doctor has a fierce hold on me and we crash onto the floor. We wrestle like little children until I see him pull out a shiny needle from his pocket. I scream louder and kick him in the stomach, running away when his grip loosens.

I look back to see two very pissed off doctors and disappointment on my mother's. I cringe when I realize how much I've seen that face before and how much I wished for it to go away.

Another doctor in white comes from the opposite direction of the hall, hauling me up onto his shoulder. I beat his back with my clenched fists and demand (no, scream) for him to let me go. I kick his chest with my short legs and I see more pity on people's faces as he brings me back to the room I woke up in.

He throws me onto the bed and immediately straps my wrists. Mom starts yelling at him to stop as he straps down my ankles too. He gets out the same looking needle the other doctor had and injects it into my neck. I shriek and thrash my head side to side, feeling whatever he injected work instantly. I start seeing the doctor become double and soon I'm back into the hell I knew originally.

* * *

Crying.

Will I ever stop hearing that?

I heard it in hell, both of them.

It's starting to sound normal to me. Like music to my ears. I heard someone crying.

Was it mom? I never heard or seen her cry before. But she was the only here.

Did no one else care? Did no one else come to see me?

Well I heard the doctor saying that she couldn't see me. Am I not allowed to have any visitors? What kind of hospital doesn't let them see their patients? That's absurd.

But it's not like I want to see anyone, they deserve to live without me. Wasn't that the whole point of my suicide attempt? To let everyone live while I didn't.

Oh, the crying stopped. Are they leaving? Will they come back?

Guess I'll just have to find out on my own.

* * *

I wake up for the second time in hell.

A nurse was checking my heart monitor and she turned to give me a small smile. I couldn't return it.

I failed. I wasn't happy.

Why smile if I'm not happy? Then again, I did give out a lot of fake smiles.

Is her's fake too? Is everyone's?

The nurse finishes checking me and asks if I need anything. Yeah, I want to get the fuck out of here. But of course I don't tell her that or they might get the needle again, which my neck still hurts from. Bastard. I shake my head and she just smiles and leaves with her clipboard in hand.

I try to tug my hands out of the straps but it's no use. I wish I had my flick blade to cut them off, but then I would try to commit suicide again.

I look down at my wrists. Scarred. It's just full of jagged scars all in a meaningless pattern. Or I guess they are meaningful considering it shows what I've tried to do.

I close my eyes hoping to go back to the hell I knew.

* * *

I have to fucking pee.

Being 'dead' for eight days makes you have to go to the bathroom badly.

Luckily the nurse was here checking the monitors again and I asked to go to the restroom. She said yes and to wait here (I didn't have much of a choice considering I was still strapped down) then came back with two doctors.

They escorted me to the nearest bathroom, one coming in to make sure I didn't try anything, the other waiting outside the door. I used the restroom, flushed the toilet, then went to wash my hands. I looked up for a brief moment to see my reflection then gasped.

I looked horrible.

My skin was pale, paler than usual, my hair was a mess, and my eyes were mundane and blank. Not only that, I was skinnier than usual. You can see and count all my ribs and see my spine from my back. I just stared in shock as I saw who I was now. I walked back slowly, not taking my eyes off my reflection then turned away to leave.

The doctors escorted me back, and I hung my head and looked down at my feet as I walked to avoid the stares I knew I got.

I asked if anyone came recently and the nurse said my mother visited along with two young girls, no doubt my twin sisters.

I nodded and was strapped back down, then had to swallow this giant pill which was nearly impossible without choking in my position. The pill they gave me said it would help me sleep but I was beginning to feel drowsy when they spoke.

I heard talking and wasn't sure if they were talking to me or not. But I left the conversation going back to sleep.

* * *

I don't know how long I've been here in this 'hospital' but I want to leave.

I don't necessarily want to go back home, especially after what I did, but just go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air sounds nice right now.

I wanna see how life moved on without me for the eight days I've been out.

I wanna see Shinra and hang out again like old times.

I even miss Shizu-chan. Stupid brute. I love him and still can't get over him even if I'm locked in here. I wonder what he's doing.

Is he throwing signs around at students? Is he letting his temper get to him? I wonder if Shinra is trying to calm him down.

I smile at previous memories and let a single tear fall freely down my cheek.

I miss them both. I want to see them again.

But the number one thing I wonder most right now is if they have forgiven me...

* * *

"Izaya?" The nurse, which I found that her name is Kokoro, asked.

"Huh? Oh, yes?" I say politely, getting out of my trance.

"You have a visitor." I tense up.

Who is it? Was it mom again? Dad? Mauri or Kururi? I can't look at anyone after what happened.

"Do you know their name?" I asked, wanting to know who came to see me.

She shook her head.

"No, I'm sorry." I wave her off, not caring about her apology.

"Just send them in." I coldly say, sitting up in my uncomfortable bed.

They finally let my wrists free, not wanting to cut my circulation. They still strapped down my ankles, and even put a small lock on it so I wouldn't unbuckle it and run off like I wanted to. Or did previously.

I close my eyes and tense up even more when I heard the door open. I slowly open my eyes when footsteps get closer and look up at the person who visited me with my blank gaze. I gasp once I see who it is.

Shinra.

* * *

**A/N: Okay so I'll update a new chapter for ****_'This Feeling'_**** every Wednesday! And since today is Wednesday, I updated! As for one-shots, if you read my one-shot****_ 'What The Hell Have I Become'_****, you know that I realized that I lied and had about 5 or 6 completed... Yeah so I'll be updating those too maybe once every two weeks or most likely shorter. Oh! Before I forget! Next Wednesday (July 3rd) I'm going to Warped Tour all day so I won't update on Wednesday but on Tuesday (July 2nd)! Thanks and I'll see you all in the next chapter! :D**


	4. Trust Your Best Friend

**A/N: Reviews are lacking... D: We at least made it to our goal! (over 25) and I also got emails saying that people followed and favorited. THANK YOU! I'm sorry I have to update on this day but tomorrow I will have no time to update because I'll be out to concerts ****_all day_****. I will post a Fourth of July one-shot and 2 more one-shots on Saturday. Can you do me a ****_biiiig_**** favor and read my one-shots and leave a review?****_ Pleeease_**** ? D:**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara. Now excuse me while I go cry :'(**

* * *

"S-Shrina.." I stammer and instinctively move back a little. The chains on the straps jingle and hold me in place.

He looks down at me with sad grey eyes and then gives me an unexpected hug. I freeze when he does and can't return it while I'm in such a state of shock. I hear muffling and then feel my shoulder staring to get wet. He's crying. I pat his back awkwardly, never being much of a hugger.

A few silent moments pass before he pulls back and wipe a hand at his runny nose. It's so weird seeing goofy Shinra crying. Crying for _me._

"W-Why?" Sniffled Shinra. "W-Why would y-you try to c-commit s-s-suicide?"

I looked down and turned my attention to my fiddling hands, avoiding the question.

"Tell me!" He yelled and more tears fell.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and whispered what I've repeated so many times, I've lost count. "I'm sorry."

"_Sorry?!_ I thought I was your best friend! If you needed to go and talk to someone, you could have talked to me! That's what friends do, isn't it?!"

I nodded slowly, not looking up, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "I'm sorry." I repeated and tears dropped from the corner of my eyes to my chin.

"D-Don't cry, Izaya. I'm sorry I yelled but I just want to know why. What made you do this?"

I brought my hands up to my face and shook my head, sobbing quietly. "Izaya.. please stop... stop crying." His voice cracked in the end and I knew he was about to cry too.

Soon the room filled with our sobs and he came and gave me another hug. I returned it this time and was grateful, sobbing into his left shoulder. He sobbed into mine and tightened his grip.

Why do I make people cry? It pains me to see others cry for me. It's like a tug at my heart or a siren blowing in my ear. It's as if someone tore out my heart with the hands and stomped on it right in front of me, leaving me dead. But I probably would have liked that wouldn't I? Dead. No worries, no problems, nothing.

"S-Shinra... H-How many people k-know about this?" He looks down, his face and eyes red from crying and whispers, "Everyone you wrote a letter to knows."

Mom and dad. Mairu and Kururi. Shinra. And... Shizuo.

"Shizuo knows?!"

I shouldn't be surprised considering he was bound to find the note I left and wonder what was going on. Of course he was going to find out about my attempt. But I told him I loved him 'cause I thought I was going to die that day. That's going to be so awkward if I see him again. I can't especially see him because it was the day he said he hated me that it was when I tried to kill myself.

Oh god. My life would be so much better if I was just dead.

"I-I was at school and he saw how worried I was and asked what's wrong. I just handed him the note you left for both him and me. And then he read them."

"W-What did he say?" I was so nervous to ask.

"He didn't say anything but just gave me a firm nod. Then he skipped class after I told him."

"I'm surprised he didn't dance in joy." Now I was confused. He hated me. He _hated_ me. He even told me so I got it through my skull. And now here I was in a 'hospital' and was shocked not to hear the blonde running around the city, screaming in happiness.

"Me too. At first I didn't want to tell him so I just brushed him off for a while saying I was busy. Well I guess I wasn't lying since my best friend just tried to commit suicide."

I flinched at the last sentence, feeling completely guilty. "I just thought it would make everyone's life better."

"In what world would that make someone's life better, Izaya?!" yelled Shinra. "You have people who care about you. I care about you."

"I just make everyone's life so difficult and then Shizuo..." I trailed off, my voice breaking at the end.

"Shizuo what? What did Shizuo do?" He said and sat in an empty chair.

I bit my lip then whispered, "He said he hated me."

Shinra's angry face slowly changed to sympathy. "Oh Izaya."

"He said he hated me." I repeated much louder. "Do you know how much that hurt?! I-I-" More tears fell and I choked on finishing the sentence. "I never thought it would hurt that badly to hear him say it. He always said he did b-but I saw it in h-his eyes. He really meant it. That's what hurt the most and d-drove me to do this. I-I-" Shinra stood back up and patted my back, my head resting on his chest. "He said he hated me." I repeated, letting that sink in for the both of us.

"Izaya, I didn't know... god I'm such a bad friend."

I sniffled, my head still on his chest. "No you're not. You're the first and only friend I had that actually cares. I-I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. You kept encouraging me to confess but I couldn't. W-Well not until now.." I drifted off and he pulled back to look down at me.

"What do you mean?"

I looked away and turned my attention to the nice looking wall. "In his note I wrote... that I loved him. I thought since that I was gonna die to just say it. Now look where I am." I raise my chained ankles. "I'm back to square one."

He gives me a sympathetic look and then sits back down in his chair.

"I've been wondering, where am I? This isn't like regular hospitals." I say and see another sympathetic look.

"You're in a psych ward. When they found you in your room they brought you here to make so you wouldn't have a chance of doing it again." He finishes and swallows in the end, most likely waiting for my yelling.

I look down at the chains and nod in realization. How could I not notice this? They strapped me down and shoved a needle in my throat. Last time I checked, normal hospitals didn't do that.

Boring.

Freak.

Queer.

Loser.

Lame.

Now I'm a suicidal.

They were all right. Those damn kids knew more about me than me.

"What kids?" Shinra confusedly asked, then I realized that I said the last part aloud.

"Oh nobody." I say and silence passes between us. "Shinra can you not tell anybody about this? Like tell our classmates that I'm sick with the flu or something. I don't want them to find out about this."

He nodded in understanding then stood up. "I better get going now, Dad wants me to help him in the lab."

I smile in the inside realizing he's still going for his dream. "You go do that."

He walks out then pauses at the doorway. "Izaya, you're not alone. You know that right?"

I look down and play with the sheets and I give a small nod.

* * *

The small talk with Shinra helped me a little but still didn't change the fact of how I felt. It hurts thinking about Shizuo and I don't think that boy knows how much I truly love him even after all this.

I sigh and wish I could go outside to see the sun.

One of the advantages of daydreaming out of a window is seeing the sunset. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen before and still do it to this day. The sunset had beautiful colors; it had orange around the sun as the sun shined in gold, then red smearing around the orange only to change to pink once you get far enough. It was absolutely stunning and I looked forward to seeing it every evening.

Too bad this hellhole doesn't have any windows to see even a hint of sunlight. I can't even tell what time it is. There's no flippin' clock around here. Is that so much to ask? A clock or even have the change to breathe outside instead of this highly sanitized room. Gosh, I wish I was outside. That would calm me down.

* * *

Never, ever would I imagine this happen in a million years.

This is just.. impossible. Unthinkable.

It wouldn't even cross your mind. Nope, not once.

I woke up, still unsure what time and day it is, and was still of course strapped down, wrists and all.

I turned my head to stretch my neck as much as I could and gasped at what I saw. Or who I saw.

Shizuo Heiwajima.

* * *

**A/N: I KNOOOOOW , BAD CLIFFY! I will soothe your pain by posting one-shots like I said in my top Author's Note. :) Now will you soothe my pain by reviewing this chapter and my one-shots? Please ? :D Oh! And I finished Chapter 8! Just so you know how far ahead I am. c;  
See you in the next chapter~**


	5. When Your Enemy Visits

**So I might not update every week on Wednesdays but every few days because I've been noticing a lot of stories haven't updated in forever and I don't wanna be part of that. So yeah, change of plans._ Also when school starts, updates will not be as quick and will most likely take a long time because I get a TON of homework and barely get a chance to even look at my laptop_. ****By the way, if you ever want to PM me to talk or chat or fangirl over Shizaya, go ahead. I'll always answer back. :D****  
**

**NOW GO READ BECAUSE I LEFT YOU THAT HORRIBLE CLIFFHANGER!**

**Disclaimer: I thought we established this already. I don't own Durarara.**

* * *

"S-Shizu-chan!" I instinctively try to back away like I did with Shinra but alas the straps kept me in place. "W-What are y-you d-doing here?"

He leans over me from the chair he was sitting on and looks down at me. I sink as far as I can in the uncomfortable mattress, feeling completely claustrophobic at the moment.

"C-Can you p-please back away?" I stutter, not wanting him to see me like this. Especially in this current state. I wonder if I still look as terrible like I did before. I probably was considering I've done absolutely _nothing_ in this fucking place.

He sits back down in the chair, not breaking eye contact. I can feel my body practically shaking in fear. Is he going to hurt me? Tell me I should have died instead of be alive? Praise me for my work? Come back to tell me he hates me even though I _clearly_ got the message?

I've never really felt fear before but this, _this feeling _I have is definitely fear.

I'm so scared. So scared to hear him. So scared to know why he's here.

I clear my throat and try to gain some strength before repeating, "Why are you here?"

Still starting at me, he pulls something out of his back pocket and lifts it up for me to see. I squint and wonder what the hell that is then my eyes widen at in realization. My note.

My note. To Shizuo.

_The_ one I wrote before my attempt.

_The_ note that told him I loved him.

_That_ note. Oh god.

I feel my face burn lightly and look away. He hasn't said anything since he was here.

"Did you come to laugh at me? Come to yell about how stupid I am? Tell me I should have died? Because I don't need that right now." I say, facing away from him.

I don't need him.

I do need him.

I don't.

I do.

It's just all so confusing.

I don't need him to tell me I'm a failure or a trivial. I do need him to keep myself going. To keep loving him. To have something to live for.

"No," he said, his voice a bit rough. "I just came to see how you are." His eyes drifted to my wrists, seeing the visible scars. When he looks at them like that, I feel so exposed and vulnerable.

I cough to bring back his attention and say, "I'm fine. As you can see I'm not dying."

I can't tell if that's a good thing or not and the 'I'm fine.' thing was clearly such a major lie. He probably saw right through me when I said that too. Of course I'm not alright. I tried to commit suicide after the one I love told me he hated me. Now he _visits_ me. In a_ psych ward_. How does one deal with that?

"You obviously wanted to considering what you did."

And whose fault was that? Yours. But yet I still can't bring myself to hate _you_. No, no. I can't blame him for a decision that I made. That's just wrong. Pathetic.

"Yes, I did. I did want to die. I still do."

I do want to die, yes. It was a bit peaceful and I was alone like I wanted to be. I had time to think. I was for once a bit _happy_ and it felt good, at least while it lasted.

"Why?" he asks, and I look at him.

Those eyes that I see all the time. There was just something about those eyes that made me feel even more crazier about him. They looked a bit curious and...sad? Why is he sad? Did I make him sad? I thought he would be happy. I wanted everyone to be happy. Why was that so hard?

"I can't deal with it anymore." I truthfully say, and look up to the bright ceiling.

"Deal with what?"

You.

"Things."

"What kind of things?"

I sigh tiredly. "Things going on."

I can feel him get a bit angry. Must I be vexatious? Well I guess to him I always was.

"Like what?"

"Like you." I glance at him to see him tense and hesitant.

"Me?" He whispers and I see a little shock and guilt on his face.

I nod. "Yes you."

"But...why?"

"Did you even read the note I left you? I specifically wrote why. Because I love you."

His eyes widen a bit before looking down at the note in his hands. He crinkles it a bit. "You weren't lying?"

Why would I ever lie about that?!

I clench my jaw. "No, I wasn't lying! I meant every fucking word I wrote in there! In every single goddamn letter I left behind! Why would I lie about something so serious to me, especially when I thought I was going to die?"

He gulped. "How was I suppose to know? We fought _all the time_ then you go and try to commit suicide and then you say you love me. What was I suppose to know? That you were serious? That you really did? Because all the fighting and yelling sure as hell didn't prove anything."

"I know," I whisper and fiddle with my hands. A very big habit I've been doing lately. "That's why I said I was sorry and regretted everything because I do. I do regret everything I've done and wished we could have been friends. I do mean that I'm sorry. I do mean that I love you."

He just looked up at the ceiling, closed his eyes, and sighed. "Izaya..."

I cringe, look away, and say, "I know. I know you don't. It was pretty obvious when you said it. I should have just left you alone. I'm sorry."

My voice cracks a bit at the end and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Oh please, please, _please_, don't let me cry in front of him. That's so embarrassing and awkward and I_ really_ don't need that at the moment.

But my eyes don't listen and betray me. Those bastards. One tear falls, followed by another, until I'm a quiet sobbing mess. I can't even wipe them away; my hands are strapped down. I just turn away and close my eyes, wishing he didn't see them or hear my voice crack at the end.

I feel a hand across my cheek and I flinch but let the warm hand wipe away the traitorous tears. His thumb caress my cheekbone as if silently asking to open my eyes. I hesitate and battle with myself but flutter my eyes open, slowly revealing my scarlet eyes.

He's loomed over me and stares down at me, much like he was earlier before I told him to politely back away. Now I don't want him to go away. I want him closer. He slowly leans in and I can practically feel his breath on my lips. That's how close he is. He comes closer to me as our lips brush each other. I gasp a little and he closes the small gap we had between us.

He's kissing me! Shizuo Heiwajima is kissing_ me_, Izaya Orihara.

He kisses me slow and gentle, as if I was too fragile to break. I kiss back, obviously, after my small state of shock washed away and as I'm kissing him back I kept help but wonder if this is a dream or if this is reality. Never, _ever_, would I thought that Shizuo would kiss me, yet here he is doing so right know.

I wish I could wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer and maybe even deepen the kiss but can't because of the stupid straps pulling me down and keeping me from trying to.

"S-Shizuo..." I moan out and let him kiss me more.

It could have been five seconds or five minutes, who knows, when he pulls back slightly and opens his closed eyes, revealing the eyes I loved the most. They were brown, yes, but had just a hint of gold around them. It was beautiful. The gold reminded me a bit of the sunset I used to see and it was just so breath taking I couldn't look away from them.

"I'm sorry." he whispers against my lips and suddenly stands up fully to leave.

"W-What?" I question and watch as he leaves the room, leaving me alone strapped down on my bed. I sit there for a moment, trying to process everything that just happened.

Shizuo.

Kissed.

Me.

My eyes widen.

He was my first kiss.

* * *

**A/N: I WANT TO SEE REVIEWS FOR THIS ONE! Tell me what you think is going to happen and etc, etc, etc! :D**  
**I was wondering, if I put Rated M Shizaya stories, would you read them? There will be yaoi but it's kinda important to the story(?) I'll put a poll up for you to vote on which story you want me to post next or if you want, you can tell me in your reviews. I don't have a name for them yet but will eventually. **  
**  
1) THIS ONE IS IMPLIED RAPE! There will be Shizaya but it's just going to developed throughout the story. Romance (Eventually), Hurt-Comfort/Angst/Drama/OC/Rated M from the beginning because of situation. This one doesn't really have a plot and is mostly just developed Shizaya, FYI.**  
**  
2) This one's a Romance(Again EVENTUALLY)/Supernatural/Spiritual/Hurt-Comfort/an d many more genres to name/Eventual Rated M/OC/I sorta have this plot figured out but needs some time and it will also have developed Shizaya.**  
**  
3) An M-Preg one? (I've read some M-Preg fanfiction (go ahead call me a freak) and it seems kinda fun to write so I want to try one of my own!) This one they are already in a relationship (YAY! :D) so it's going to be Romance/Family/Maybe Rated M, might be Rated T, not sure/Maybe some Fluff/OC/OOC/ (There isn't really going to be a plot and again is just Shizaya (And eventually their child, maybe I can even make a sequel or just make an epilogue from after a few years. (Most likely a sequel.)))**  
**  
****BY VOTING YOU CAN CHOOSE 1, 2, or 3! Sorry for the long Author's Note but I need to know. D: ****  
****  
See you in Chapter 6!~**


	6. Parents And Their Lies

**A/N: Holy. Crap. _LAST CHAPTER GOT THE MOST REVIEWS! AND DO YOU SEE WHAT NUMBER THAT SAYS?! 50! 50 REVIEWS! _I was seriously about to cry in happiness, but I was at my friend's house when I checked my emails and I knew she would be all like "O_O What is wrong with you?" if I did start crying xD I love you all so much! Seriously, you're the fucking best! :D And thank god you all liked last chapter and the kiss because I have no experience whatsoever in kissing and winged it to the best as I could. *shrugs and smiles innocently* But I do need to clear something up. This story is suppose to be a bit 'realistic.' I mean, come on, have you_ really_ ever read a Fanfiction that they're suddenly a couple after an accident immediately? No. Why? Because that's boring and to be honest, that's not a story. (Well to me it isn't.) Also this is a 'Hurt/Comfort' story so don't expect some fluff and flowers with rainbows in the background cause that's not happening anytime soon xD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara because it wouldn't be as awesome. True story.**

* * *

Shizuo was my first kiss.

In other words- I was freaking out.

He. Kissed. Me.

What did this mean? Did he like me? Only did it because he felt pity? Just did it because I told him I loved him?

He said 'I'm sorry.' before he left...

Would he just forget about it and move on? Leave me alone? Pretend it never happened?

I sigh and feel suddenly emotionally drained.

Did he love me? Did he not feel anything for me? Did he not feel anything from the kiss? Did he not like it?

Oh god, I'm going to get a headache if I keep this up. I'll just go to sleep and wake up to see Shizuo again and we'll see from there. My heart pounding and my brain wide awake, I somehow managed to fall asleep even if I still didn't know what fucking time it was.

* * *

I yawn and blinked my eyes open as I woke up. When I stretch my arms I realize that I got my wrists unstrapped over the 'night.' (Since I still didn't know what day it was.) I rub my sore, scarred wrists and look down to see my ankles still strapped down.

I lay back down, bored out of my mind, when my bladder decides it needs to go. I try to hold it in and wait for Nurse Kokoro but nope, can't do it. I look down at my strapped ankles and try to unbuckle it. My left ankle was easy because it didn't have a lock on it like my right.

I try to look for something to be lock pin but can't find anything that could fit in the hole. I sigh and lay down, again, when I hear the uncomfortable bed squeak under me.

Squeak. Under. Me.

As in, they are springs and I could use the springs to unlock my ankle. I sit back up and pull the mattress up a little, seeing springs on the bottom. Trying to tug it off is a pain and I ended cutting my finger more than once.

I_ finally_ got it and straighten the spring out into a 'straight' line to pick the lock. I had to move it around a few times before I finally got it, the lock coming off with a small 'click.' Smiling at my success, I stand up and stretch my legs then take a quick peak outside the door.

My head sticks out as I glance down the hallway, seeing no one walking down. I fast-pace and tip toe to the bathroom, using it to my bliss. I look back at the mirror and see my eyes are still blank. I sigh and finish washing my hands and look back out to make sure no one was there before I tip toe back into my room and put the cuffs back on my ankle.

The lock that was on my right ankle was on the buckle but I didn't click it down to lock fully. I hid the spring I used to unlock it, back under the mattress for secrecy and heard a knock at the door as I was hiding the spring. I jump in place then say, "Come in." I straighten my posture up as they walk in, as if I wasn't trying to hide something for them.

"Mother!" I yell when I see my mother walk in, behind her were my twin sisters and father. "F-Father? Mairu? Kururi? W-What are you all doing here?"

Her eyes glittered in tears before she came rushing in and giving me a hug. Following her were my sisters, who climbed onto the bed and hugged me just as tight as mom. Dad stood in the doorway looking at the scene, tears of his own threatening to fall.

I never, ever, ever, saw my dad cry. He said it was a sign of weakness. Which is why I never cried in front of him. I cried to myself and when I was alone.

All three females were sobbing onto my chest and I patted their backs.

"Iza-nii! W-We thought you were dead!" Mairu cried, lifting her head up to reveal snot dripping down her nose.

Also lifting her head up, Kururi whispered, "Iza-nii..dead.." Both were a mess with their red faces and not running down both of their noses.

They wiped it away in union and Mom also lifted her head up. Her eyes were red and her cheeks as well but quickly wiped them away. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry all over you."

I quickly shake my head and grab her head. "No! No! I'm sorry, I-I didn't want you to cry for me, I just wanted to make you happy."

"How can we be happy without you?" said Dad as he shut the door and came over to me. "You're our son. We love you. I just... I just don't know why you wanted to do something like this. Why? Why would you want to do this, Izaya?"

I cringe and bite my bottom lip, tears forming in my eyes. "Because, because-!" I put my hands over my face to hide the tears that dripped down. I have all this sadness and loneliness all bottled up inside me just waiting to get out.

"Izaya," Mom soothed, rubbing my back and shoulder.

I lift my face from my pale hands and let the bottle open. "You never cared for me. Never even loved me. I was alone throughout my _entire_ childhood doing things on my own when you never even gave me a second glance! I never had anyone to help me on my homework, or tuck me into bed, or even make dinner! _I_ had to do all that! Me! All alone because my parents didn't care for me anymore! That's why!"

Everyone was silent, even my parents who stared at me flabbergasted at my sudden outburst.

Mairu and Kururi looked at each other sadly before climbing out of the bed and towards my mother's legs, wrapping their small arms around both, Mairu taking the left and Kururi taking the right. Mom patted their heads gently before pulling out some money from her purse.

"Why don't you go and get something from the vending machine?" They smiled widely as Mairu took the money then Kururi's hand before bolting out the door, slamming it shut.

Mom and Dad turn to me now.

"Izaya we love you-" Mom began.

I snort, cutting her off. "Yeah right. You were never there for me at all! Nobody was! Not until Shinra. He actually cared about me more than you both ever have!"

"Izaya! We always loved you no matter what you think! Don't think that we didn't because that's not true! Even after Mairu and Kururi were born we still loved you!" Dad yelled.

I shake my head. "No.. That's when you stopped loving me. All your attention was turned to them and you forgot about me! You stopped caring! About everything that had to do with me! School! Do you know how many times I had to lie to my teachers in open house? I had to tell them you were too busy or something because you didn't care about showing up for your own son! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner! All done by me because my parents couldn't even cook for me! Why? Because you never cared! Don't you get that already? My parents became horrible people and stopped loving their own son because of their own-"

_Slap._

My head was turned to the side by the sudden force and I felt the sting begin to burn on my left cheek by my father's slap. My mouth opened in shock and my eyes were as wide as they could get. I slowly reached up and touch my cheek then clench my jaw as tightly as I could. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Get out."

Dad didn't have to be told twice. He shot out the door so quickly, you would have missed it if you blinked. Mom gripped her purse in her hand and headed for the door, after my father. She stopped and turned her head to look at me.

"We have always loved you, Izaya. Even if we weren't there for you."

"Well maybe you should have shown it better."

She doesn't reply and has her head hanging as she leaves, shutting the door behind her.

And once again, I'm all alone.

* * *

Too much has been going on.

First with my failed attempt, second with Shinra, Shizuo, then with my parents.

It's too much to handle. I can't take it anymore! I can't take all this pressure! I had pressure before in my life but adding more and more isn't helping at all but simply making it worse!

Shinra we could become friends again since he seemed a little more happy before he left, I have no idea what to do with Shizuo, and my parents were never there for me before so I doubt they're going to be there for me now. Or maybe they will since their son is in a psych ward...

Life just keeps on getting better and better, huh?

* * *

**A/N: Parents! Yikes! Also since I know what a lot of people are most likely going to say in their reviews for future chapters, I'm just going to tell you full out so I won't have to hear it. This is _my_ story._ I_ created this story. _I_ actually wasn't planning on posting this up but people encouraged me to and so I did and people actually liked it so I continued writing. Chapters may be boring and all but again this is suppose to be a bit 'realistic.' Stories take time to progress and write. Again _I'__m _writing the story, and there is some "Oh no!" moments in my story but this is called _FAN_fiction, so sorry if it's not what _you_ wanted. I create this story simply for my entertainment. I don't mean to sound rude but I just wish to write what I want and not want someone else wants/expects. Gosh I sound like an asshole, I'm so sorry, but I just needed to say that. :\  
****See you in Chapter 7? D:****  
**


	7. My One Freedom

**A/N: ****So most of you guys agreed with me in the last chapter. (Which was a huge relief.) Thanks for sticking with me and I love you all and your support \(^-^\**

**Disclaimer: Me no own Durarara. Me just wished I did.**

* * *

None of them came after their last visit.

I already saw that coming. I knew they would yell. I just knew it.

I didn't think they would cry though. I've never seen them cry ever over anything.

Not even the deaths of Grandma and Grandpa. They were like emotionless robots during their funerals without crying and just stood there like statues until the end.

I didn't mean to upset Mairu or Kururi. It's not their fault that mom and dad stopped caring, they just got all the love I wanted.

I still played with them and took care of them when I had to but never could succeed in becoming a role model for them. I mean I told them to always eat their vegetables and to do their homework but I wanted to become more than that. I wanted them to trust me and come to me first before anybody. I wanted them to look up to me and become what I'm not; a good person.

I told the truth, but just twisted it with lies. I was trustworthy, until you betrayed me. I was lovable, but no one wanted to love me.

So I tried to shine my way through the darkness and become something I wasn't.

I stole, I messed with people's emotion just to see their reactions, I harmed people, I broke other people's properties; cellphones, lunches, pencils, homework, anything to get them upset. To let them feel my pain.

One of the other reasons why I messed with Shizuo. He not only was like me, but he hated me. So I messed with him as much as possible so he can see how I felt throughout most of my life.

Kids messed with me when I was young. Now I mess with everyone.

Payback. Revenge. Karma. A taste of their own medicine. Whatever you want to call it. It was their turn to go through everything that I went through.

Even if meant making Shizuo hate me.

I just want someone to know how I feel and make me feel better.

I want to wake up with the love of my life next to me. I want to wake up and think that I'm not a failure. I want to wake up and be proud that I'm alive.

I want, I want, I want. I don't mean to sound greedy but why is love so hard to get? And people spit that word out all the time.

'Aw! I love that song!,' 'I love this band,' 'I love chocolate,' 'I love your outfit,' 'I love you.'

Do they really know how to use it correctly? Do they know how many want love? To know what love is like? No, they don't because they throw that word out so much, it sometimes loses its meaning.

Love. The word that seems to hate me the most.

* * *

Since I've been a 'good patient' lately, they let me have the freedom of walking around the building but a doctor has to be with me! What freedom! I don't really want a doctor next to me when I want to be alone so I just stay in my room with my lovely companion; the buckle. Yep, they still keep my ankles strapped down for 'safety reasons.'

I just really wish there was some music to listen too. What kind of cruel person takes away a teenager's right of no music? Blasphemy, is what I say! Every teenager has to listen to music at least once a day, it's like a ritual.

But they take a lot of your freedom here. Like they won't let you go anywhere alone (but I have my sneaky ways) and they demand you to be in bed at a certain time. They won't let you near sharp objects (the reason why they don't even have plastic forks or knives) and they won't let anyone outside (but I will try my best to do so)

Even if I'm crazy, suicidal, trivial and whatnot, I'm not gonna sit back and be poked and prodded on.

I'm not gonna let them take away the last of my sanity.

* * *

I really want to see the sunset.

I miss it so badly, I even made a plan to escape just to go see it. My plan is that when everyone heads to dinner, I unbuckle my ankle and go to the roof to go see it. If I get caught, I'll try a different time.

I'll do anything. Anything to get me out of these plain white walls that keep me trapped in here.

Just getting to see the sunset is something that helps me calm down and just relax. Like I can take a huge deep breath and exhale without having anything around bother me.

It's almost dinner time. (I can tell because of the direction I hear people walking is towards the cafeteria)

Hopefully my plan works.

* * *

Once I heard no more footsteps out in the hallway, I open the door and let my raven hair poke out of the door, turning to see if anyone's out there.

Luckily no one was, not even desk lady, and I quickly tip toe barefoot towards the stairs that are used for fire escapes. Well this wasn't a fire but damn did I need to escape.

I check back to see if no one is following when I close the door and nearly trip on the way as I run up the stairs to my freedom.

They are so many flights of stairs and I run out of breath, taking a few breaks to catch my breath. But I don't care because my mind is focused on one thing; the roof. I push myself off the wall once I get my breath and continue running.

I let out a laugh and a smile once I see the door in front of me and run into the door, pushing it wide open. Warm sunlight shines on my face and I spread my arms open and take a huge deep breath of fresh air.

I run towards the edge, leaning over it to see cars in traffic, honking at one another. I push myself back and twirl around on the rooftop, laughing in happiness.

I wonder if anyone saw me what would they be thinking. 'Oh my god! tThere's a sick patient on the rooftop of a psych ward, twirling and laughing like a maniac.' Yep, that's me.

And there to the west lies the sunset. It's marvelous. So beautiful, you simply can't look away. There is more orange than anything but I don't mind, it's gorgeous.

I stare in awe and watch as the sun sets.

I fall and lay on my back and rest one of my arms behind my head as I lay and lift up my left arm. The scars stare at me in mock but I sigh and tell myself I won't let this ruin my joy.

I turn back to look at the sunset over all the buildings across from here, the warmth shines on my face and I close my eyes as I use it for comfort.

It's been forever since I last saw it. I'm glad I used this time to escape and for once enjoy myself. To forget about everything. Mom, Dad... Shizuo. He still hasn't come back to visit me after we kissed. I had a feeling he wasn't coming back to visit any time soon.

I get up from lying on the floor and head back over the edge.

I peer down to see a bunch of city lights below and cars still stuck from traffic, honking and flipping others off. I see people yapping away on their cellphones and couples holding hands as they walk across the street. Oh how I wish that was me.

Wind passes through and makes me shiver in my hospital gown. I wrap my arms around each other for warmth and look out to see the sun almost setting completely and stars beginning to appear. The moon was already out but didn't shine as brightly as it did at night.

Taking one last glance of my freedom, I go back inside and after running down all the flights of stairs, I get to my room, no one suspecting a thing.

I laid down innocently in my bed, pretending to be asleep, as Nurse Kokoro does one last check and shuts off the lights, darkness consuming the whole room.

And for once, I fell asleep happy.

* * *

**A/N: I know this is a filler and also a boring chapter. It's just relatively important for future chapters...  
And remember the choices for my Rated M story? Well the first choice (implied rape) is the winner! I don't know when I'll post it but I will soon! :D  
****See you in Chapter 8~****  
**


	8. Talking Just Brings Awful News

**A/N: Hello~ Sorry about updating a bit latish, it will most likely continue to happen. I've been trying to hold on to what's left of my summer and have been hanging out with my friends and such. Sorry! D: But hey! I'm going to update the new chapter of my Rated M story because I finished typing up the first chapter! Yay!  
Short chapter is short. **

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Durarara? Psh, what drugs are you on?**

* * *

Because my escape plan worked, I'm going to go try later on tonight. It can become a weekly or even a daily routine for me.

Just like old days.

It might help clear my head with all that's going on. Maybe I can finally have a clear head before messing up more things in the future.

* * *

I was laying down staring at the ceiling in utter boredom when Nurse Kokoro came back and told me two things. She said that I can call anyone I want and that I had a visitor coming tomorrow.

I'm assuming that since I've become a cooperative patient, they gave me that one reward but I wonder who's coming in to see me.

I know it's certainly not Mom or Dad.

I'm pretty sure that Shizuo is not coming back.

Shinra? He hasn't visited me for a while so I do hope it's him. I can spend time with my best friend like old times, well except for hanging out in a psych ward but other than that everything else would be somewhat normal. We can talk, joke around, and I'll be able to tell him what happened with Mom, Dad, and Shizuo.

Shizuo... I wonder what he's thinking. More specifically, me. The kiss.

Does he like me? You normally kiss someone you like, yes? Then again he is a protozoan, who knows what he's thinking?

* * *

It's dinner time but there's too many people here at the moment.

It's too risky.

I'm not going to get caught just so I can have more of my freedom taken away. Not happening.

Nurse Kokoro gave me some pills after she asked me if I was hungry, which I was not. I took the giant pills and tried my best to swallow them and started to feel drowsy when she was already leaving the

* * *

I woke up and stretched my arms then unbuckled my ankle and picked the lock off. I heard a knock on the door and quickly hid the spring behind my back. "Come in." The door opens and I see a familiar brunette in the doorway.

"Shinra?" I say, seeing my best friend walk in with his school bag.

"Y-Yeah. S-Sorry, I know it's early but I dropped by to see if you're okay."

"I feel a bit better. What time is it? You said 'early' so," I trail off and he sits in the chair next to me.

As he sits down and sets his school bag on the floor he replies, "It's 6:30. I'm about to head to school but came to see you."

I smile a little. "Thank you."

He stares at my sudden smile before he gives his usual goofy smile and says, "You're welcome."

Silence enters the room before I clear my throat and begin my confessions.

"Um... my parents came to visit me."

His eyes widen. "They did?"

I nod. "It didn't go so well." I laugh humorlessly at the end.

"W-What happened?"

"They said that they always loved me. Ha! They never ever shown me their love. You know that more than anyone, Shinra."

He nods and waits for me to continue.

"I made Mairu and Kururi cry; they thought I was dead. I-I didn't want to see them sad. I always tried to be a good brother for those two even if I didn't deserve it. I just wanted them to love me like family."

Again with that word; love.

"Mom cried. Dad had little tears in his eyes. I was a bit shocked by seeing them cry. I just wanted them to be happy. I told them that and they said that I was their son and that they always loved me even after the twins were born."

"Then I exploded at them. I yelled at them, told them that it was their fault, I just blamed everything on them. They all got quiet then Mom sent them out to go get something from the vending machines. Then when they left they just told me that they loved me again. I mean really? They keep saying that but they never showed me that they did! They left me alone when the twins were born. Don't get me wrong, I love Mairu and Kururi with all my heart but I just wished that they included me in the family for once!"

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks and I sniffed before I continued. I closed my eyes.

"Then Dad hit me."

I heard Shinra gasp and looked to see tears of his own almost falling.

"I told them to get out. He left without a second thought. It hurt, Shinra. It hurt a lot."

He nods and gives me a hug.

"I knew I could trust you." I say and hug him back, both of us having tear streaked tears.

"Thank you." He says and sits back down in his chair as we both wiped our eyes.

"Did Shizuo tell you he visited me?" I asked and clear my throat after it became hoarse from crying.

He blinks and says, "What? N-No, he didn't."

I look down and frown a bit. "Oh." Did he wish to keep his visit a secret?

"What happened? D-Did he hurt you?"

I shake my head.

You could hear nothing in the room but our breathing then I whisper, "He kissed me."

Shinra nearly fell out of his chair. "WHAT?!" he exclaimed and fixed his glasses.

I blush a bit and repeat what I said. "He kissed me. But then he said 'I'm sorry' and left."

"Are you sure you don't have a concussion?" he says and I swat his arm. "Ow!"

"I'm serious Shinra! He really did kiss me!"

"W-When did he even come to see you? Izaya, this is _Shizuo_ we're talking about here."

"I know, I know! But I'm dead serious, Shinra! This really happened! He really did kiss me! He came here for visit a few days ago and and we talked for a bit and then he kissed me! Right here where I'm sitting. Shinra, I'm not lying!"

He nods but swallows a giant gulp. "Izaya... Shizuo's dating someone already. Her name's Vorona."

* * *

**A/N: O_O ...please don't kill me.  
I am fully aware that you want to murder me and make beautiful designs with my skin and bones but I did warn you~  
Also since I've been trying to hang on of what's left of my summer, I haven't been typing a lot... *ducks from flying tomatoes* I'm sorry! Hopefully I can publish Chapter 9 soon but no promises. Review? D:  
Love you all and stay awesome! :)  
See you in Chapter 9!~ **


	9. It Hurts To Love And To Not Be Loved

**A/N: I'm so sorry this is late! I started school again and it's taking up most of my time. I barely have time to write anymore. But thank you for your reviews, I had fun reading them! ^_^**

**Disclaimer: Nope!~**

* * *

"What?" I whisper and froze in place. He fidgeted in his seat and swallowed as a bead of sweat dripped down his left temple.

"He's dating someone. Her name's Vorona." He repeated carefully.

"He's...what?" I ask again and feel tears gathering in my eyes. "No... Then why did he kiss me? Did he...I thought he...What?" I fluster and don't even bother to wipe away the tears. They just keep coming.

"Izaya, I'm sorry. I thought that-"

I hold a hand up to stop him from talking. "Stop, I can't- I can't..." I whisper and put my hands to my face. I breathe through them heavily and everything around me seems to stop.

Questions flew through my head and I couldn't seem to grasp them and try to find an answer because more and more piled up.

Why did Shizuo kiss me? Was it really out of pity? Was he dating Vorona when he did kiss me? Who's Vorona? Have I seen her before? When did they go out? How come I find out _now_ that they just began dating?

I couldn't think straight as more and more questions came and I felt a shake on my shoulder. I looked up with my sad eyes up at Shinra, who looked as lost as I was.

"I'm so sorry Izaya. I didn't think Shizuo would visit, especially not kiss you. I didn't think he would even try to think about you, to be honest. I just- I'm so sorry that you had to found out like this."

I nod and let a sob out. I did too. I'm sorry that I had to find out this way too. I couldn't even love someone because they were already dating someone else! I can't even love the man who hated me since the moment we met! I can't even have my own family love me!

I can't love or be loved.

It hurts. Does he know that? Does he know how much it hurts? That everything hurts? My head, my heart, my chest. It all hurts because of him. You wouldn't expect a person to damage someone so emotionally bad but somehow he did it. Shizuo did it.

"S-Shinra..." I sob out and try to wipe the tears away. It's no use; more keeping coming. "I-It hurts."

He pulls me close to him and runs his fingers through my hair. "I know, I know it hurts. Let it out, just let it out."

I nod and cry harder than I ever have for the past few weeks. I cry harder than anyone ever should have in their entire life. I cried harder than when I was a child. I grew up and had no one. Shinra was the only one who cared. The only one there. And I don't even deserve him.

"S-S-Shizuo..." I sob in Shinra's chest and clench my fist tightly on his school shirt.

"S-Shizuo..." I repeat again and images of the blonde flow through me like a photo album. Most of them were fights of our own or from when I would see him beat up a student from the rooftop. None of them were pleasant ones that I wished I could see.

"Why?" I whisper and make wet spots appear on my best friend's shirt. "Why would you do something like that to me?" I know I'm talking to myself, excluding Shinra, but I had to find some answers. I needed answers.

"How long?" I ask to Shinra, who didn't know I was speaking to him at first.

"He started dating her a little before your..._ attempt_."

"Did he- Did he s-say anything to you? A-About her or...?" I trail off and hiccup.

Shinra sadly nodded. I close my eyes and wipe under my nose as I still rest on his chest.

"He... He told me, the day after your attempt, that he was dating this girl from another school. I-I don't remember the name of it but he said that her name was Vorona and she was Russian. He said that her mom died in a-in a car accident and she lives with her dad. She's the same age as us and, from what Shizuo said, she can speak Japanese pretty well. That's all he told me and then later on that day, your parents called."

I clench my fists tighter into a ball and squeeze my eyes closed.

"They told me they found you in your room bleeding to death. They said you were losing a lot of blood quickly and that they called the ambulance immediately. They found letters on your desk, names written on them for each person. They told me," He paused and I could hear his voice break a bit. "They told me that you left me a note. They didn't read it for my sake and then they gave me the letter, along with Shizuo's. I read it, I did. I read it over and over and over again and I kept thinking 'Why? Why would he do something like this?' and I could never find a reason why."

I let tears fall as I continued to listen.

"Izaya, you are my best friend. And when you did this... I thought you couldn't trust me."

I shake my head vigorously and let hiccups come out of my gritted teeth. "That's not true. I do trust you. You're the only one who I ever trusted. I couldn't tell you because... because..."

"Because what?"

"You'd stop me." I felt him tense up and could only do the same. "You'd stop me and-and that wasn't what I wanted. All I wanted was a family to love me for me and to make friends and to fall in love but I can't. I can't! Why?! Why can't I just fall in love and not get hurt in the process?! Why can't I stop having this one-sided love and then find out that he has a girlfriend?! Why can't I just... be dead?" I whisper the last part and slowly open my eyes to look up at him.

He has his own tears falling, some old ones still leaving a trail down his cheeks, others that are new beginning to fall.

I continued to vent. "'Would that make everyone's life easier?' I kept saying to myself. I thought that if I can leave and make everyone else feel happy then I would too. If they wanted me out of the picture, just so they can be happy, I would leave. I would sacrifice myself for other's happiness. I sacrificed myself by trying to commit suicide for Mom, Dad, Mairu, Kururi, Shizuo, and you. But even I can't do that right."

He stares at me with his jaw clenched and tears beading out of the corner of his grey eyes.

"I woke up here and alive. I failed. I failed everyone, including you. I just wanted to make other's happy but then I just make it worse! I try, Shinra, I try so hard to keep myself going every minute of every day but I just can't take it anymore! Now Vorona's dating Shizuo and Shizuo kissed me and my parents hate me and now you will too. It's too much, too much."

I shake my head and feel my eyes start to become sore from all this crying. Will it ever stop? I don't think it will.

"I can't keep living like this anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. It only hurts more if I stay here. I can't live with a family that hates me. I can't have a best friend without giving him problems. I can't love my enemy because he's dating another person. I can't do anything without something ruining it!"

He nods and seems to have stopped his tears. If only mine did. I had tears fall with almost every word spoken and it just creates a bad headache and sore eyes.

"Izaya I understand-"

I shake my head and bring my hands up to my ears, having enough with this. He grabs then and pulls them down, having a firm grip on them that I'm sure I'll find bruises soon. I won't be surprised.

"-I do. I do understand but if you can tell me from now on, everything, I'll help you. I'll help you with everything. Just trust me and we can fix it together. Together, we can fix it, okay?" He asks and I hesitate. I'm only causing him more problems.

_Get it over with and maybe you won't have to keep on bothering him._ A voice in my head told me and I shudder as if a chill were in the air. I nod and look down at my hands and anything but those eyes.

"Just trust me." He says and brushes the hair away from my eyes as he looks at me. "Trust me."

"Trust you." I whisper and feel a small ruffle in my hair.

"That's right, trust me. If you need to talk to anyone, you come to me and like I said, we'll fix it."

"Fix... it."

"Yes! See, you're doing fine already!" He smiles brightly.

"Shinra?" I slowly ask and see his smile shake a bit.

"Yes?"

"It still hurts." I look up at him, waiting for his reply.

He sighs a little through his nose and gives me a sad smile. "I know."

* * *

**A/N: I didn't really have time to edit this, so if there's any mistakes, it's my fault! (I'm sorry if there is though.) Please review! D: **  
**See you in Chapter 10~**


	10. Important Author's Note! Please read!

Hi guys, I'm sorry this isn't an update on a new chapter and I hate to have to say this but I'm going to have to put "This Feeling" on hold.

I have too much going on with my life with school and all, not to mention that recently someone very close/important to me passed away and that's not giving me any motivation at all to continue writing.

I'm too stressed out and depressed at the moment with all this going on in my life so I won't be updating really any of my stories.

Is "This Feeling" on haitus or being discontinued? I don't know, it's sort of a mixture of both. I know I won't be updating with all this on my shoulders but I might not even continue writing for "The Feeling" once I 'get better.'

I'm sorry to disappoint all my 70 story followers (and future readers) as an author and a fan of Shizaya, but I do hope you understand and accept my apology.

Thank you so much for liking my story (or what's updated so far of it) and please do understand that I'm going through a hard time with all of this.

I love you all and I hope to see you whenever my next update is. (That includes all of my stories.)

Hugs and kisses,  
LookForTheTruth


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